I don’t spank my children, and yet one of the most common compliments I receive—whether we’re in public, at family gatherings, or just out living life—is how well-behaved, kind, and respectful they are. People are often surprised to hear that we don’t use physical discipline, but to us, it’s no mystery. My husband and I have made a conscious decision from the very beginning to respect our children enough not to hit them.
Because that’s what it comes down to for me: respect. If I want to raise respectful children, I need to model what that looks like—even in moments of frustration. Especially in those moments.
Discipline Is Not Punishment
Let me be clear: I absolutely believe in discipline. But I don’t believe discipline has to include pain, humiliation, or fear. I believe discipline is about teaching, not punishing. It’s about guiding our children with love, helping them learn right from wrong, and giving them the tools to make better choices—not because they’re afraid of us, but because they understand how their actions impact others.
Our home is built on mutual respect. That means I expect my children to listen, to be kind, and to honor boundaries—but it also means I listen to them. I take time to hear their side. I apologize when I mess up. I try to show them that respect is something you give even when you’re tired, even when you’re stressed, and even when someone else isn’t giving it back.
And I’ll be honest—it’s not always easy.
A Moment That Changed Me
I was raised in a strict, Pentecostal, Southern household where spankings were the norm. My husband had a similar upbringing—discipline often meant physical punishment, and it was simply accepted as part of parenting. But over time, it became clear to both of us that this was a generational cycle that needed to be broken. We realized that just because something was common didn’t mean it was right, and we felt a deep conviction to parent differently—to choose a path that centered on respect, not fear.
I remember when my oldest son—who is now 16—was just a toddler. One day, in a moment of reaction, I lightly smacked his tiny hand. I can still see the look of surprise and hurt on his face. It wasn’t hard. It wasn’t angry. But it didn’t sit right with me. My heart dropped instantly. I remember thinking, What did that teach him? Nothing, except that I, the person he trusts most, could hurt him when he did something wrong.
That moment shook me. I felt horrible. And I knew then and there that I wasn’t going to be that kind of parent. Not because I was better than anyone else—but because it simply didn’t feel right for me. That day changed the entire direction of how I would choose to discipline from then on.
But Isn’t Spanking Biblical?
I know the debate that often comes up, especially in Christian circles. “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” I’ve heard Proverbs 13:24 quoted many times: “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
But I don’t believe that verse is calling us to physically strike our children. In biblical times, the rod was a shepherd’s tool—used to guide, not to harm. A shepherd didn’t beat his sheep with the rod; he gently corrected their path to keep them safe. That’s the image I hold in my heart: of God guiding us gently but firmly. And if that’s how He leads us, then I want to lead my children the same way.
Spanking Shuts Kids Down
Here’s the truth: spanking may stop a behavior temporarily, but it doesn’t build understanding. It doesn’t teach empathy. It doesn’t create connection.
What it does is shut a child down. It replaces learning with fear. And eventually, fear turns into distance, resentment, and sometimes even rebellion. If our goal is long-term growth and character development, spanking doesn’t get us there. It may control behavior in the moment, but it doesn’t transform the heart.
How Can I Teach Peacefully if I Parent with Violence?
I can’t tell my kids not to hit others and then turn around and hit them when they mess up. I can’t teach self-control while I’m losing mine. I can’t preach kindness and patience while using pain to get my point across. That’s the contradiction I couldn’t live with. And frankly, it’s not the kind of relationship I want to have with my children.
Parenting Without Spanking Isn’t Perfect—But It’s Intentional
Let me be real with you: I’m not a perfect parent. I’ve raised my voice more times than I’d like to admit. I’ve had moments I’m not proud of. I’ve cried behind closed doors after hard days. I’ve questioned whether I’m doing enough, or doing it “right.” But never once have I regretted choosing a gentler path.
Because even through the messy, frustrating, chaotic moments—I can see the fruit. I see it when my child pauses and takes a deep breath instead of lashing out. I see it when they apologize without being prompted. I see it when they comfort a younger sibling, when they show empathy to a struggling friend, when they choose honesty even when it’s hard.
So What Do We Do Instead?
There are so many other tools we’ve leaned on instead of spanking:
- Natural consequences – If you don’t clean up your toys, they get put away for the day. If you speak disrespectfully, the conversation pauses until you can speak kindly.
- Loss of privileges – Screens, outings, or certain freedoms are put on hold when responsibilities or boundaries are ignored.
- Time-ins instead of time-outs – Sometimes our kids don’t need isolation. They need connection. A hug. A calm space. A moment to reset.
- Clear expectations and consistency – We talk about our family values often. We make sure the kids know what’s expected—and we try our best to follow through consistently.
- Repair work – We talk about how to make things right when we’ve hurt someone. Whether it’s saying sorry, writing a note, or making a kind gesture—we focus on restoring relationships.
My Kids Aren’t Perfect—And Neither Am I
Please don’t mistake this for some kind of parenting perfection. My kids aren’t robots. They argue. They push back. They roll their eyes. They act their age—and sometimes, that’s not easy. But I don’t expect perfection. I expect growth. I expect learning. And most of all, I expect grace.
Because I need that grace too.
At the End of the Day…
I want my kids to feel safe with me—even when they’ve messed up. I want them to know that my love isn’t conditional on their behavior. I want them to grow into adults who are kind, secure, and confident—not because they feared me, but because they felt loved, even in correction.
So no, I don’t spank. Not because my kids are perfect, but because they are worth more than fear-based discipline. They’re human. They’re learning. And I believe they deserve the kind of parenting that doesn’t just correct them—but shapes them, guides them, and sees them.
And if that makes me the “gentle parent,” so be it.
Gentleness isn’t weakness. It’s strength under control. And that’s the kind of strength I want my children to remember me for.
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