January 13th, 2022, what was supposed to be an ordinary baby doctor’s appointment, turned into the worst day of my life.
Woke up feeling pretty great that morning.
Me and my husband were always all smiles on baby doctor appointment day. We loved hearing her heartbeat and seeing her moving around.
Our 25-minute car ride to the appointment was us talking about life, dreams, and goals.
When we arrived we were eager to go back to hear our little girl’s heartbeat.
When it came time for the nurse to check for her heartbeat she kept only picking up mine instead.
At our 12-week visit, her heartbeat was so strong so this seemed off.
She said this can happen sometimes and went on to take an ultrasound to see if she can get a better visual and pick up her heartbeat.
The nurse was so silent the entire time she was searching for the baby’s heartbeat.
I was silent. She was silent. My husband was silent.
My baby, who at 12 weeks was moving around and waving at us, is now not moving at all.
My heart was pounding I wanted to cry right then but I still had so much hope that she was going to be ok.
The nurse said “This doesn’t look good”
I broke down crying uncontrollably. She said I can’t find the heartbeat and she isn’t moving.
She said she wanted to send me to another location to get a better idea of what was going on.
We had another 25-minute drive to the next location. Me and my husband said nothing on the way there. Just cried.
I prayed so hard. Please let there be a heartbeat, God. Let my baby be ok.
We arrived at the next location. With mascara covering my entire face, we waited in the waiting room until my name was called.
As I was preparing for my second ultrasound of the day, I just kept hoping and praying she would be moving again.
I laid back, lifted my shirt and she put the gel on and started the ultrasound.
Everything looked the same. My husband couldn’t even look at the screen because it was too tough at this point for him.
I watched. I saw her body not moving again and heard the Doppler pick up no heartbeat once again.
It was so real, yet so unreal. I broke down again.
The lady giving me my ultrasound hugged me.
We were in complete shock. I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted it all so bad to be a bad dream.
The doctor came in and started telling me I needed to go to the hospital to labor my baby girl.
Wait, I still have to give birth to my baby who is dead?
“Yes, I’m sorry but you do,” she said.
I would need to go in to be induced and would have to deliver my baby at 16 weeks.
We scheduled an appointment to go in that night at 8 pm to start the process.
We had to tell the kids when we got home.
My husband had to break the heartbreaking news to them because I just couldn’t do it.
Through tears, he managed to get out the words “The baby is gone.”
They just sat there in shock.
The shock soon turned to sadness. Which then turned into hugs, questions, and even more tears.
Not much talking was done during the 5-hour wait before heading to the hospital, just lots of tears and silence.
It was time to go into the hospital. Our room was on the labor and delivery floor.
My body felt completely numb as we arrived at the hospital. Baby pictures hung all over the walls as we walked down the hall to our room #5715.
My bed was being made when we walked in.
Me and Shawn sat on the couch and had no words.
The nurse asked me some questions that I managed to answer through tears.
I was then asked to change into a gown.
Shawn and I broke down on and off this entire time while preparing to start the labor.
I got into the bed and was hooked up to an IV and the heart rate /oxygen monitor too.
The nurse, Annie from Alabama, was the sweetest nurse I’d ever met. She loved my accent which is a comment I got often in Colorado.
IV was now in and she started to walk me through everything that was going to happen.
“We will insert two pills vaginally every 4hrs until she comes. These pills will induce your labor and it could take hours or even up to three days”
I asked Annie if she could just do one last check for the baby’s heartbeat and she happily did so and still heard nothing.
At this point, I felt like not only my body failed me but my faith did too.
My first two pills were inserted at 9:30 pm and she told me I was already at 1cm dilated on my own.
Looks like my body was starting the process already.
She did the first round. They asked if I wanted an epidural because the pain was expected to be intense like labor.
I wanted to have Giovi natural with no medication. So, I decided to try not take any pain meds.
I didn’t take anything until the second round of pills were inserted.
The pain got so intense I couldn’t sleep.
I was so exhausted, it was 5 am and I needed something to ease the pain and get some rest.
It was all too much on me mentally and physically.
They inserted a little bit of pain meds into my IV. It reduced the pain for maybe 20min and then I felt them back full force.
I was feeling lots of severe cramping late at night and early morning.
Intense pains every 1min and the pain lasted for a long 20-25 seconds straight.
“Are you sure you don’t want an epidural, it’s not too late”
I said no again to the epidural.
I was supposed to get my third round of pills inserted at 5:30 am but by then I was already almost ready to have my 16-week-old baby girl.
The nurse came in to check on me and said my water was about to burst.
She left but was quickly called back in when I felt a bulging. She checked and said it was my water bag which was hanging out.
My husband held my hand tight and didn’t let go.
I had the urge to push but was told not to.
I needed to pee but knew if I moved then the baby would come out.
I moved my body the very slightest and felt everything rush out of me.
She was born at 5:54 am.
I felt her tiny little body up against my leg as she was still attached to the placenta inside me.
I felt her warmth. I wanted to grab her in my arms so bad but I couldn’t see her like that.
Instead, I just enjoyed the feeling of her body up against mine for that short while.
I cried and hoped so much that she would just take a breath.
She stayed on my leg attached to my placenta for a few minutes before she was cut off and the nurse wrapped her up and took her away.
The placenta wasn’t budging so they started me on the highest dose of pitocin to try and get me to labor the placenta quickly.
This brought on even more intense cramping.
“If the placenta doesn’t come on its own we will have to take you back to the OR for surgery to remove it”
It was 40 minutes before my placenta came out.
It didn’t come out on its own.
My doctor came in with a tool. She stuck her hand far inside my vagina. She yanked, tugged, scraped, and pulled my placenta out of me.
It was an awful pain.
I kept getting asked “Are you sure you don’t want some more meds? maybe something stronger?”
I repeatedly said no and I felt all the pain.
It was finally all over but it felt like it was the start of all the real pain.
She was no longer inside me and I was feeling every bit of that emotion that came with that reality.
I cried and cried. I was an absolute mess.
I missed her inside me so much.
I ate breakfast at 8 am. My first real meal since breakfast the day before.
I was all over the place emotionally.
The nurse convinced me to take some meds not only for the intense cramping I was still feeling but for me to be able to get some rest.
I got maybe 3hrs of sleep. But it didn’t help with any of the pain that I was feeling inside whatsoever.
I just wanted my baby girl in my belly, still growing, and not getting that was tearing me apart.
I am in the hospital bed. I gave birth. I am bleeding. I am wearing the huge diaper with the mesh panties and yet I can’t have her.
It didn’t seem fair.
I would hear babies being born next to me in other rooms.
The screaming and crying of the newborn babies brought me so much pain.
I was so sad that I wasn’t going to experience that first cry with my little girl.
At lunch that same day while I was eating I just bursted out crying which my nurses were used to by now.
I was sad that I didn’t ask for pictures and had major regrets.
“I will go take pictures for you, it’s not too late”
The nurses were so sweet and showed so much compassion.
They had snacks, coffee, water, and drinks in our room at all times. Always asking not only if I was okay and needed anything but asking my husband if he needed anything too.
I got my pictures, her little hat, and some other little memorabilia from the nurse to add to her keepsake box of pregnancy tests, ultrasound pictures etc.
So happy to have her pictures to look at and I do often.
She was absolutely beautiful. She had both her brothers (Gage’s and Kaizen’s) noses, her dada and sisters’ almond-shaped eyes, her brother’s (Kaizen’s) pucker lips, and my chin.
The 15th came and it was time to be discharged. This was tough for me.
I didn’t want to leave her. Her body was at the hospital and I did not want to leave her behind.
I sat in the hospital bed crying into my husband’s chest. I felt like I was leaving my baby girl behind forever.
I knew that when I left this hospital there was no going back and it was the saddest dose of reality for me.
Everything was tough.
I walked to the car with the hospital behind me. I just kept picturing her tiny body in there, alone.
I cried during the car ride home.
The sun shined down on my cheek and I felt her in the warmth. It made the tears dry up for a little bit. I closed my eyes and soaked it all in.
I didn’t want to go home. I wanted so badly to see my three babies but I did not want to be in our apartment at all.
Just as I expected, when I walked in, I hugged the kids, sat down, and starting crying uncontrollably.
Everything reminded me of being pregnant with her.
The kitchen table where we surprised the kids with the birth announcement.
The rug that I did my yoga on. The bed that I laid in when I was so sick.
The couch where I found myself enjoying my ice cream sandwich cravings.
Even in the bathroom where I was hovered over the toilet vomiting.
Every piece of this house is her. It’s where I was growing for 16 weeks of pregnancy and I couldn’t take it.
I couldn’t sleep in my bed anymore. It’s where I would lay for comfort when I was sick with her. It’s where Shawn would lay on my belly and be with her.
It was all too much.
We decided to leave at the end of the month to just leave it all behind us.
All I wanted was to feel more of the sun on me. I wanted to get grounded in the earth. I felt her there.
We decided to go to where it was hot and go camping once it was time to leave.
This gave us a little something to look forward to.
We crashed in the kid’s room for those last two weeks. It was nice for us all to be together like a big slumber sleep.
I needed closeness and it helped me so much.
Camping was next up in our plans and I was so ready to start a new journey.
Our original plan was to travel after Giovi was born. I just knew she was going to be an outdoorsy baby.
We vowed to live a full life. A life we know Giovi would love.
I feel her in the sun and we all see her in the moon.
She will always be with us wherever we go and she will be right here with us on our next adventures.
Giovi Moon 1/14/22 👼🏼 5:54am
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