Conceiving after a miscarriage is an incredibly challenging journey. From the initial burst of excitement to the sudden wave of apprehension – the emotional roller coaster is overwhelming.
Every day is a prayer to Jesus, a plea for the safe arrival of my baby into this world and into my arms. Despite enduring the discomfort of typical pregnancy symptoms, gratitude is mixed with fear at the arrival and departure of each one. The pendulum swings between hope and worry, creating a delicate balance that only those who have experienced it can truly understand.
The moment we discovered that we were expecting again remains etched in my memory. The emotions were a powerful balm for my aching heart, filling it with a profound sense of joy. However, the specter of losing another baby lingered, a persistent fear that tried to infiltrate my thoughts. The initial 20 weeks of this pregnancy were marked by a continuous ebb and flow between the highs of excitement and the lows of fear, a delicate dance that mirrored the intricate journey of hope and anxiety.
There were numerous instances when I experienced mental breakdowns, tears becoming a familiar companion throughout my days. The emotional whirlwind intensified as I grappled with the constant uncertainty, worsened by the physical toll of vomiting everything I ate. This added layer of stress only intensified my concerns about the well-being of the baby.
Having gone through the heartbreaking experience of a miscarriage with our daughter at 16 weeks in January 2022, the news of another pregnancy in May 2023 brought a mix of emotions. Reaching that pivotal 16th week in the current pregnancy brought a profound sigh of relief. However, the subsequent weeks remained mentally challenging and emotionally charged, a testament to the lingering impact of past struggles.
The constant stress over every minor ache and pain was a harrowing experience. Each moment became a breath-holding exercise, especially when going to wipe, praying not to see any trace of blood on the toilet paper. The fear of a repeat of past heartaches loomed over these simple actions, emphasizing the anxiety that described this pregnancy journey.
Between weeks 16 and 22, before the reassuring sensation of feeling my baby’s movements, I leaned heavily on my baby doppler. Multiple times a day, I turned to the doppler to hear the steady rhythm of my baby’s heartbeat, finding solace in its reassuring sound. This routine became a crucial lifeline during those six weeks, significantly alleviating the anxiety that had gripped me.
As soon as my baby started kicking, it seemed like he never wanted to stop. I found immense gratitude in having an incredibly active baby boy, always in constant motion. It felt as though, in His wisdom, God provided me with this constant reassurance, a gift that I continue to cherish even now at 34 weeks into my pregnancy. The rhythmic movements serve as a reassuring reminder that my little one is thriving.
As I find myself just six weeks away from welcoming our fourth baby into the world, a profound sense of gratitude surrounds me. Each passing week becomes a reason to express thanks to God, bringing me closer to the long-awaited moment of holding my baby in my arms. The anticipation is shared by everyone in our family, and the excitement to meet him is huge. We eagerly look forward to all the experiences and joys that we missed out on with the loss of our last baby, embracing the upcoming chapter with grateful hearts.
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